The Battle Against Cancer-26(The new life from 57)

Pocket

The series of The Battle Against Cancer is the illness record from August 2008 until end of December 2010.

The following article is continued from April 7, The Battle Against Cancer-25.


I was baptized when I was an infant as my mother was devout Catholic.

I was taken to the Mass every Sunday and the Mass was conducted in Latin at that time. It was just like a torture for a little kid.

The church was one of the most unpleasant time for me in my childhood. I faded away from the church after I came back to Japan having an excuse that I had to study for the high school entrance exam.

I was a very bad Christian who only went to church for the Easter and Christmas Mass.

But I was touched when I saw the patients in the Hospice were living very earnestly for this “exact moment.”

This particular Hospice had nothing to do with the Christianity. However, when I saw those patients who were putting the utmost significance to this “exact moment”, I recalled the prayer that I repeatedly recited since I was a little boy, “Hail Mary”

Namely, the only thing that is assured for a person is “This exact moment” and “The time you will face the deathbed”

Nothing else is assured.

Hail Mary” is to pray for this exact moment and for the time one face the deathbed. It is intend not to be bothered for something that is unknown but to cherish this particular moment.


I was really convinced not to be bothered from the past that won’t change nor from the unknown future but to really cherish this particular moment.

Thereafter, the fear against the cancer started to gradually fade away. However, I must be honest that I am not saying that every feat had disappeared. I still had a certain uneasy feelings when the day of the periodical check is approaching.

However, I was no longer frightened against the metastasis of the cancer.

This led me to recall many books that I had read in the past and the wonderful words that were written.

“For every ailment under the sun.
  There is a remedy, or there is none;
  If there be one, try to find it;
  If there be none, never mind it.”


In addition,

“O God, give us
serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
courage to change what should be changed,
and wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”


It was not surprising at all if I had died, or that the probability of being dead was even much higher, however, I am here today with life. There must have been a big force beyond human control that was governing, I truly thought so.

And now, I am quite convinced that

“I would earnestly live this particular moment until my face the final curtain of my life.”

Right before I turned 57 years old, I had not only lost my health but my company as well as my personal assets while liquidating the company to express my utmost gratitude to the employee, business partners et al.

However, I was quite convinced that as long as I have life, I would exert my best endeavor to do what I can do.

One was to verbally and by writing explain about my experience to the people who are thinking to set off their life, suffering from the illness and some other reasons.

Until August 2010, I was told that the probability of the metastasize of the cancer was very high.

I was told that the probability was more than 80% and that it was very uncertain that I could greet the third New Year.

Fortunately, there was no metastasis of the cancer as the result of the Pet-CT examination that was conducted in August 2010.

I still have various physical symptom.

Dizziness and lightheadedness had become not as serious as before, yet quite strong compared with the ordinary people.

The feeling of my left ear and neck is quite dull compared with the right side. When I was touched, it felt like I was touched from the top of the clothes. I can lift my left arm but not as straight as my right arm and enable to touch my left ear.

I still have an awkward and discomfort feelings in my lung as well in my stomach.

Beyond all, I can still only taste the basic difference of saltiness, the sourness, the bitterness and the sweetness.

Also, because one salivary gland was removed in the surgery, the amount of saliva secretion was prominently reduced and it was very difficult to swallow the food. I also needed to carry around the water in the plastic bottle as my mouth became very dry if I didn’t wet my mouth ocassionally.

The sadness of not being enable to enjoy the food for the person who really enjoyed eating is beyond one’s imagination.

I no longer went to the restaurants I really enjoyed and liked. The different in the taste of the food was very sad and regrettable.

In this sense, I still have a lot of handicap compared with the healthy ordinary people.

And yet, in spite of passing the riskiest period of two years for the possible metastasis of the cancer, I still have three years of periodical observation to go.

However, in order to climb from the depths of despair, I had decided to

“I must switch to the positive attitude of going to open up a new life from the attitude of the waiting”


Continued

都倉 亮 について

1953年生まれ。幼少の頃11年ドイツで過ごし、アメリカンスクールに学ぶ。慶大卒後三井物産に13年勤務。その後会社経営を経て現在執筆を中心に活動。日本の素晴らしい面、世界基準に変えねばならない面を長年の海外生活で培った目で発信して行きたいと思います。
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