The Battle Against Cancer-23(The fear against metastasis)


The series of The Battle Against Cancer is the illness record from August 2008 until end of December 2010.

The following article is continued from March 17, The Battle Against Cancer-22

Moreover, as to the extreme loss of my weight, I truly believed that my body was undermined by the cancer.

And my days had gradually become very slow. The longest time for me on a day was the time that I was lying on the bed.

But, even though I was lying on the bed, I was not actually sleeping.

As strong dizziness and faint had continuously bothered me when I woke up, inevitably the time spending on the bed became longer.

When I recall, I think one of the reasons was because my mental conditions was very depressed, as in addition to the liquidation of the company, I was thinking that my life expectancy was not long.

Summer of 2010was incredible.

It was the hottest summer since the Japan Meteorological Agency had started to record the temperature.

Many regions had updated the record of the highest temperature.

It seemed that even many healthy people had suffered from the loss of the appetite but in my case, I had not been able to eat solid food at one time.

My wife took care and tried to cook food that was easy to swallow as in addition to the loss of the appetite, it was difficult for me to swallow solid food as I had taken one Salivary gland in the surgery.

However, in spite of various trials, my appetite didn’t recover and my attending doctor had prescribed traditional Chinese medicine that would enhance appetite.

But the appetite didn’t recover and my weight was deceasing continuously.

At this point, I was able to understand the people who are cutting off their life.

There were a few patients with whom I became as friends during my stay in the hospital.

Most of them were older than I and as I was physically stronger, I had tried to help them as much as I could including the time when their families were visiting the hospital.

Gradually, I became very intimate with the families of the patients as well.

As time passed by, we started to call each other as classmate

We said to each other

“We are classmate. Let’s have a class mate party when we all get out of the hospital.”

This type of conversation was a very slight relaxing conversation during the cruel treatment time.

There were a few patients with whom I was exchanging emails as well as reporting about the current status when we were meeting at the periodical observation.

However, as time went by, there were patients who were telling me about the anxiety of the possible metastasis of the cancer.

And there were also patients who actually suffered from the metastasis of the cancer.

The first obituary was around June 2009.

It was about 6 months after I got out of the hospital and the patients was my, so called, classmate when I was taking the combination treatment of the chemotherapy and the radiation treatment.

He was a patient who was released after the treatment as cancer had totally ceased.

He had extended me a sympathy when I had to take further surgery to dissect my left lymph node as the cancer didn’t completely cease.

His wife’s letter said

“How have you been these days? My husband passed away on xxx.
He always was talking about you that you had helped him a lot when he was in the hospital……omission…..I sincerely hope that you will recover and become healthy.”

My first thought was

“What! That did that man die!?

His level of the cancer was lower than mine and as he got out of the hospital after the combination treatments of the chemotherapy and the radiation treatment.

As he was telling me at the periodical observation that everything was proceeding well and that he was recovering on schedule.

I was starting to feel a variety of physical symptoms at that time and gradually the suspect of the metastasis became obvious on the monthly basis.

Along with it, I was obliged to take the detailed exmamination at the respective departmetns and my mental conditions went depressed.

At the same time, I received obituary from time to time from the families of the patients with whom I was in the hospital in the same period.

One patient’s daughter wrote

“My father extended his best regards to you before he passed away.”

I thought

“So many patients are passing away one after another. What would the numbers of the dying people be if you include the number of the patients that I don’t know?”

And when I received the obituary at my depressed mental conditions at the bottom, I was convinced that

“It must be my turn next.”

I was not able to erase the fear of the death.


都倉 亮 について

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